It's definitely seeming to be a pattern. Joy (heavily influenced via another person) rapidly turns to some kind of dread. The terror I suffered from today and last night was doubting any future potential with a promising and so-far-so-good relationship with a lovely and beautiful girl named Amanda. Specifically, I believe myself and Amanda to be quite the introverted folk. I guess I've always been used to "dating" a more extroverted type, or at least someone with more things in common than personality traits. But I think I'm forgetting to remind myself that, yeah, maybe we don't have everything in common, however, there's plenty of things I really enjoy about her. I admire her ambition to continue herself in her career, her independence, her interest in IPAs, etc. She seems like she's got herself held together quite nicely. A stand up girl who tries to be as cordial as me. And my god is she exciting in some means.
But I digress. So there's the start. I get hooked into a potential new thing. I get invested and aim to impress. I did as such, I think. She likes me. Her friend, whom I've not yet met, likes me. So things get close.. maybe not even close but maybe more accurately, something's in my bubble. My huge bubble of a social life where I keep most things out and away may have been breached. On purpose.
Why do I panic? What do I panic about?
In this case:
- Are we two quiet to talk?
- She's not huge into artsy things, but it's kind of my being. Will that work?
- She's up for adventure but it seems I have to lead the way. Can I carry that?
(We can share, can't we?)
- Am I good enough for love?
Clearly I have to believe in myself a little bit more. I'm a stand up guy. I'm funny. I can be challenging, fun, adventurous, and exciting. I've proven myself when I've wanted to. It's when I start asking myself if I am and then I refuse to give examples of good performances that things go downhill.
YOU ARE NOT A STRICT DEFINITION OF ANYTHING.
YOU ARE MALLEABLE.
YOU CAN EVOLVE.
If you want.
You don't have to change for anyone. You can change to better yourself.
Still don't know what loves mean.
But I wanna find out.. and you can't get anywhere new without taking new roads.
It's weird that some of my behavior seems so compulsive and out of my control. I really have to try and remember that me nor Google are licensed psychologists and that I'm probably just making it worse but trying to figure it out for myself. I guess the simplest thing would be to really take a look at my actions and subsequent thoughts. Trace the problem. My childhood was probably normal.
How about this: talk to yourself like you were talking to someone else suffering the same thing.
Hey man, this girl you met sounds cool. I'm sure she really enjoys you for you. If you get worried about if you're doing something right or wrong, realize it's not about that. Talk when you wanna talk. Chances are you're curious about what's going on with her, so ask. You're not boring, man. Yeah, you keep things simple but that doesn't mean you're a waste of oxygen. This is supposed to be fun. Let it be. Go with the flow. You guys are learning each other. Remember being instantly best friends with.... yeah, never happened. Spend time. Stay curious. Keep it open. Don't panic.
