The Parabola

It's definitely seeming to be a pattern.  Joy (heavily influenced via another person) rapidly turns to some kind of dread.  The terror I suffered from today and last night was doubting any future potential with a promising and so-far-so-good relationship with a lovely and beautiful girl named Amanda.  Specifically, I believe myself and Amanda to be quite the introverted folk.  I guess I've always been used to "dating" a more extroverted type, or at least someone with more things in common than personality traits.  But I think I'm forgetting to remind myself that, yeah, maybe we don't have everything in common, however, there's plenty of things I really enjoy about her.  I admire her ambition to continue herself in her career, her independence, her interest in IPAs, etc.  She seems like she's got herself held together quite nicely.  A stand up girl who tries to be as cordial as me.  And my god is she exciting in some means.

But I digress.  So there's the start.  I get hooked into a potential new thing.  I get invested and aim to impress.  I did as such, I think.  She likes me.  Her friend, whom I've not yet met, likes me.  So things get close.. maybe not even close but maybe more accurately, something's in my bubble.  My huge bubble of a social life where I keep most things out and away may have been breached.  On purpose.

Why do I panic?  What do I panic about?

In this case:
- Are we two quiet to talk?
- She's not huge into artsy things, but it's kind of my being.  Will that work?
- She's up for adventure but it seems I have to lead the way.  Can I carry that?
  (We can share, can't we?)
- Am I good enough for love?

Clearly I have to believe in myself a little bit more.  I'm a stand up guy.  I'm funny.  I can be challenging, fun, adventurous, and exciting.  I've proven myself when I've wanted to.  It's when I start asking myself if I am and then I refuse to give examples of good performances that things go downhill.

YOU ARE NOT A STRICT DEFINITION OF ANYTHING.
YOU ARE MALLEABLE.
YOU CAN EVOLVE.
If you want.

You don't have to change for anyone.  You can change to better yourself.

Still don't know what loves mean.

But I wanna find out.. and you can't get anywhere new without taking new roads.

It's weird that some of my behavior seems so compulsive and out of my control.  I really have to try and remember that me nor Google are licensed psychologists and that I'm probably just making it worse but trying to figure it out for myself.  I guess the simplest thing would be to really take a look at my actions and subsequent thoughts.  Trace the problem.  My childhood was probably normal.

How about this:  talk to yourself like you were talking to someone else suffering the same thing.

Hey man, this girl you met sounds cool.  I'm sure she really enjoys you for you.  If you get worried about if you're doing something right or wrong, realize it's not about that.  Talk when you wanna talk.  Chances are you're curious about what's going on with her, so ask.  You're not boring, man.  Yeah, you keep things simple but that doesn't mean you're a waste of oxygen.  This is supposed to be fun.  Let it be.  Go with the flow.  You guys are learning each other.  Remember being instantly best friends with.... yeah, never happened.  Spend time.  Stay curious.  Keep it open.  Don't panic.

Less Drink, More Hang

So I've been doing pretty well with the no drinking at night (during the workweek, that is).  Without the carved out time in my schedule, I feel like I can do a whole hell of a lot more.  Typical behavior was: get home, eat, computer for awhile, then around 7PM I'd break out the ice.  Kinda hasty, no?  And then with that, pop on a movie and boom.  Drunk, eating too much, unable to retain memories of the film, and in bed by 9:30PM.  What a way to spend the night.  For far too have I been running that cycle.

Wake -> Work -> Entertainment -> Sleep

I saw that on a blog after I'd Google'd "What to do after work" while trying to figure how to deal with myself without drinking.  That simple little line struck me pretty hard.  Most people, one way or another, are guilty of following that path.  I don't want that any more.  Though honestly, my workweek will remain the same for the most part.  But assuming there's something that comes up during the week, I can feel like I can attend instead of decline because, ya know, gotta get drinking at 7PM, y'all.

So let's recap a little bit:

How have you been feeling lately?
- Well, between less drinking and less eating (per another goal) I've felt cleaner, of sorts.  Like my body is running efficiently.  Overall a good experience.

Any difficulty not drinking?
- Not especially.  Maybe there's a slight panic of "what the hell am I gonna do tonight?" but I find something to do.  Guitar, computer, headphones, movie, text somebody, etc.  Spring's almost here.

Any other things you've noticed?
- Sex drive seems up.  Between trying to lose weight, telling negativity to fuck off, and a general boost of self-confidence as a result I'm making more of an effort to be noticed.

The weekend was fun.  Went out to Eli's, had a couple drinks, and fell into a nice social groove.  Felt good.  This is one part that I feel like I'm not ready (or able?) to let go.  Alcohol is a delightful social lubricant.  I kinda feel like I need it to do anything decently, especially when I'm meeting new people.  This dude typically has to wait weeks or months before I can truly be my witty self.  Maybe I'm just being harsh on myself (the overdoing alcohol part) because hey, it may be fair to say that a shit ton of people do the same thing.  In certain settings, I guess.  POF girl best hit me up for that drink date.  Wahhhhhhtever.

Time To Define

Ok so, no goal can be achieved if not goal is in place.  I know better than to expect myself to be a better version without picking some Point B.  So here we are.  Let's start with, when I was fit, what did I get out of it?  What did I enjoy most?  Is it reasonable to keep that going?

After I'd lost all that weight, I felt okay with myself.  I had higher hopes for what was to come.  I figured I was perfectly capable of being wanted.  My struggle lately has been fighting the bleakness of a boring life and any cynical thought that enters my head.  What came first, the muscle or the happiness?

I guess the bottomline is to have faith in the fact that a happy body at least helps to have a happy mind.  I don't want to give up like I've been doing these past couple of months.  On, off, on off.  It's fucking ridiculous.  I weigh about 168 lbs now and that blows.  What's a good goal weight to start with?

158 lbs

As for putting in the work - it was just lifting weights I would trounce that shit.  But cardio and me.. "YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US, CARDIO."  Maybe find an alternative.  Note to Google..

One thing for sure that I'm gonna have to keep on top, for shizzle, is my mood and thoughts.  I can't let work, co-workers, or generally thinking less of myself get in the way.  Am I as awesome as I want to be right now?  Fuck no.  But I have to put in the WORK to get to evading that self-hate crap.  I might be a short, nice guy, less-than-averagely equipped dude with a mediocre job and 20th century car buuuuut.. who gives a fuck?  I want to hike trails, lift things with ease, find person(s) I can express myself with and be challenged by.  I've always wanted more.  I always thought that strictly translated to all things food, drugs, and self-destruction.. but hey, wanting more of happy things is another option.  Strange to think that thought hadn't come to me until I actively started seeking out alternatives to alcohol.  And trying to be honest with myself.

So I got knee deep in hiking hype last night.  I'm torn between just going out by myself (as usual), or do I acquire a partner or look into a group?  I guess I've got time to decide.  I think by the end of fall I would like to say I went camping in the way I haven't camped.  Real camping!  I love my technology but it's things like that that I think would be the perfect reset button.

I like the fact that I'm looking forward to the trails especially with all this weight loss talk.  I have my goal and I have a real purpose for that goal (aside from good health, of course, but I'm young and naive and will live forever, right?).

Dear stubborn self,

Hit up your brother and his nice girlfriend.  They're active.  They'd take you along.  Stop being embarrassed.

Wrap it up:
- Don't eat like crap
- Think of ways to move more
- Don't let shitty people bring ya down
- You go, girl

10 Things That Make Me Smile

Maybe in order to become happy, I just need to recognize the things that do make me happy.  Here we go.

1. The right song at the right time
2. Quick and orderly exchanges at the cash register
3. Podcasts (Shout out to This American Life and Filmspotting)
4. When the guy gets the girl
5. Trading 8's (nothing more exciting than musicians challenging each other)
6. Kids usually evoke a smile.  Puppies too, of course.
7. "You see a friend you haven't seen for months" prompt from study.  See: Laura
8. Filthy humor between coworkers
9. Shy shoulders bumping into each other.  Noticing one's own footwear.
10. Making something delicious.

Goals and Wants

After much a deeply thought shower session, let's get down to business and figure out a general idea of what I want these days.  People to see, places to be, things to try, THINGS TO FAIL AT YOU COWARD FUCK.

- Revisit Lion's Head in Salisbury, CT when the weather is nice.  Introduce a friend to it.
- Get in better shape (capable of handling climbs to Lion's Head, for example)
- Change this booze habit.  Makes me want to stay in and go numb.  Because easy.
- Rent a cabin, preferably lakeside, with good people.  Hike and relax.
- Figure out exactly is up with this inferiority complex with work (and relationships?)
- Become valuable.
- I want a house.  The question that's hard to answer though is "when?"
- I want to feel like a decent person and stand my ground when I need to.

Again? Again.

I woke up pretty optimistic today.  To my surprise I've remained as such into the evening.  Hooray me!  I've been contemplating how to change.  Change what, exactly?  I guess a lot - at least it feels like a lot.  Weight, outgoingness, job, goals, etc.  But hey, at least this blog has a title.  That's a start.

I've been wanting to write freely for awhile now but I just haven't mustered up the will to actually get it going.  A popular theme in my own life; want to do something, think how to do that thing, get overwhelmed with how much is actually involved/what will inevitably go wrong.  I need work.

I'm not sure exactly where to start.  Maybe I'll Google self-reflecting writing prompts to spark something rather than just yapping about my day.  However, I may try and exercise my writing muscles and review some films as I go.  Because I want to.  And I wanna do things that I wanna do.  I'm not an old bed-stricken man, dammit.